Elizafox's Ramblings

I've made no secret for a long time I have many diagnoses. EUPD, MPD, C-PTSD, Autism/ADHD, DID, those are the big demons.

For too long, it's been a crutch I've leaned upon. I ascribed everything I did wrong to it.

What exactly did I do wrong? I acted out, I made people anxious, I tried to get attention in bad ways, I sometimes overstepped boundaries.

And it was wrong of me to do so. I can only apologise and hold myself accountable, and allow others to do the same.

I will share what's helped me on my journey. I'm ridiculously far from perfect or where I need to be, but I know where to start now. I hope I can help someone along their path.

Ultimately, you must find your own path. All I can share is the path I took, if you wish to follow it. Deviate where you must, but never give up.

Change is hard, but possible

At the end of the day, the only one who can change you, is you. No one else can do it. Not even the best therapist in the world can do it.

A therapist can teach you how to manage your demons, but it's your job, solely, to do so.

Holding yourself accountable is part of that job. Apologising and working hard to change is part of that job too.

It's not easy to change. Old habits die hard. Behaviours which may have been an adaptation to a bad environment take time to unlearn.

Love yourself with all your heart, even if you feel unlovable

Throughout all this, it's important to love yourself. Even if you feel unlovable. Even if you feel like a piece of shit.

Maybe you've hurt people. Most people have. Maybe you've been a piece of shit. At some point, most people have been too. Maybe you've acted out. Most people have done that as well. Worse people have walked the Earth than you, believe me. Much worse.

Don't hold yourself to a standard you wouldn't hold others.

Don't throw yourself a pity party. Do something about it. Check yourself. Learn how to analyse your emotions. Learn how to be mindful. Tell yourself that you're good enough. That doesn't mean you can't be better, but you are sufficient. Even if you don't feel good enough, do it anyway. Remind yourself that you will make mistakes.

Wallowing in sadness achieves nothing. Working hard on yourself does.

Change comes from within. If you truly want to change, don't blame others, but also stop blaming yourself. Blame is not constructive. Recognise your faults as if you're investigating yourself and looking to fix them. It's a problem solving exercise, one which if you're truly dedicated, you'll eventually solve.

To err is to be human

You will fuck up again. You are not perfect. None of us are. You may even make the same mistake repeatedly until you learn. Don't let that stop you.

Hold yourself accountable for your fuckups, and then think, “how will I try to prevent this from happening again?” Analyse your thought processes. Analyse your reasoning. Go over everything with a fine-tooth comb. Think about what needs changing, and integrate it into your routine.

Yes you can

If you hold yourself accountable and work to change your behaviour by being mindful, and recognising when you fuck up, you will eventually change those behaviours. Perfection isn't the goal, improvement is.

Cast out the negativity

Ditch anyone who expects perfection. Ditch anyone holding you to to impossible standards. Ditch anyone who says you can't change. Get rid of the negative people in your life and those who don't really want to see you get better. They will only drag you down. They will not help you grow.

Nothing is worse than a person who wants to hold you back.

You must remove the trash from the garden before flowers will grow.

Better late than never

Improvement and learning is a lifelong process. Change won't happen overnight. It will take time.

But no matter if you're 8 or 80, change is always possible.

You don't stop learning just because you get older. Sure, habits become more difficult to break, but it's never impossible.

If you want to change, deep in your heart, do it now.

You are not alone

Most people have some friends. Find yourself good ones. Surround yourself with those who build you up and are invested in seeing you get better.

If you can't afford or find a therapist (therapists are often hard to find in some places; we are in the midst of a mental health crisis), look up things like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy techniques. It's not perfect, it's not as helpful as a therapist, but it's better than doing nothing.

Don't let the lack of a therapist make you think you can't change.

And don't let backsliding stop you. What matters is you're trending upwards. You may have huge dips in the road, but you need to work past them.

Failure is NOT an option

Don't give up. Never give up, no matter what, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Nothing in your life is unfixable. People have gotten out of worse situations than you.

You can do this. I believe in you. 💜

— Elizabeth Ashford (Elizafox) Fedi (elsewhere): @Elizafox@social.treehouse.systems Tip jar: PayPal || CashApp || LiberaPay