Elizafox's Ramblings

Content warnings: mentions of child and adult abuse and trauma, mental health, and suicide.

I want to write about my experiences having Dissociative Identity Disorder, what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, but is somewhat of a misnomer.

I have been ashamed of this for many years. At times I have felt so much shame, I didn't even want to continue living (and tried a few times not to). I have been mostly closeted and hid it from everyone, even my closest friends, at least the worst of the effects. Every time I've ventured out a bit publicly coming out with it, I've felt shame and like I was being judged, and went back to pretending I'm not.

I really think this is no way to live, and repressing something so fundamental about myself has had detrimental effects on how I feel about myself.

It's time to change this.

I hope by writing about this, I can reduce the stigma of this disorder. Most people with DID are relatively harmless, although it has enormous stigma especially in the form of “Multiple Personality Disorder” (which is an outdated term). We often get stereotyped as antisocial. This may be true for some people with DID, but most live relatively normal lives.

How it started

I will try to avoid trauma dumping, and keep it brief. Although as long as I can remember I've had some feelings of there being “someone else,” I know most of this did not begin from birth, and potentially none of it. I had a horrible childhood and suffered from a lot of abuse and neglect. My dad died when I was young and any father figure I had was abusive. It is important to understand this, because it explains the way I am.

Due to these repeated adverse childhood experiences, and because I had no way out, I dissociated away the pain. I would pretend to be someone else, so I would perceive what was happening to me as happening to another person, and I was just “observing.” I began doing this from a very young age.

I did this repeatedly and for many years. I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted to escape from it all. I thought if I could be someone else, it wouldn't be real to me.

Earliest signs of DID

When I was young, my mother often observed that I would relocate items to random places, and I would have no recollection of doing so. When caught, I'd even deny who I was. My mother knew from this point I had multiple alters.

It was also observed that in school, I'd often “become” someone else, and I was totally different at school than home, or even in my personal life. I would seem to have wild personality shifts, and if anything bad happened, I'd often seem very detached from it. I would often have no memory of things that had just happened.

There were other strange signs, such as the fact I'd introduce myself as another person at times, then have no recollection I'd done so. Some of my friends claimed I had “multiple personalities” but I thought they were literally lying. I even felt I was being made fun of, or that I was being misunderstood.

Occasionally, I would find myself in a strange place, with no recollection of how I got there. I would sometimes find myself on my bike, miles from home, with no idea how to get back and having to find a map (we didn't have smartphones back then worth using).

Due to all these signs, I had been told this by professionals what I was, but I still dismissed it as nonsense.

Strangely, despite denying it, I felt I could talk to the others (as I called them) in my head. They would also comment on things I did and claimed they sometimes took control. I always felt they were just disembodied parts of my conscience or different parts of my inner monologue, although I remember they'd often assert their own identities, I dismissed them.

Other signs

For years, I had other signs too that I was not just “me.”

I noticed that my music tastes would often vary wildly, more than most people's. Sometimes I'd find things in my playlist I found repulsive, or things I didn't recall adding.

I also had unexplained gaps in memory as aforementioned. Often, important life events were missing. Much of my childhood was just “not there.” Major traumatic events also got repressed, many of which I barely remember happening.

I'd often be told by friends I told them something I didn't remember telling them. I'd remember something at some points very clearly, yet forget it in another.

My friends told me my interests, goals, etc. would seemingly shift around back and forth, as if I was someone else.

I also noticed that when I was 23, and after a major traumatic event, I had a major personality shift. Others also noticed this. It was almost as if I was a completely different person.

Realisation

In December 2018, after repressing this for years, one of my alters fronted by force in front of my partner. By “front” I mean that I switched into a distinct consciousness that is not my own (Elly).

She announced her presence very loudly.

I have no recollection of her doing this. I know now she's Vanessa, one of my earliest alters.

It was distressing to my partner at the time. I regret that it was so, but it can't be helped now.

After Vanessa came out, Regina soon showed xerself also.

Vanessa chose her name soon after she revealed herself, but Regina chose xer name way before xe came out. None of us know when Regina chose that name.

Nonwithstanding, I began to realise that Regina was a separate part of my consciousness and I was often sharing my reality with xem. I got to know that part of myself more and more. It was like suddenly a lot was explained.

It also explained why sometimes I'd become randomly suicidal, but have no recollection of having done so; or been to mental hospitals for suicide attempts, but had little memory from within, only knowledge I had been there.

Coming out to close friends

I came out to my closest friends as DID when I found out. I also got formally rediagnosed by a professional in 2019, who said I had one of the highest scores on the DES-II she'd ever seen (48 is the threshold for DID, I got 79).

Surprisingly, few of my friends were shocked. Most of them already knew. Some had spoken to some of my alters (distinct parts of my consciousness). I had no idea this had happened, but apparently this had always been a thing.

Coming to terms

It's been relatively recent that I've truly come to grips with my DID. Many alters have been reintegrated (essentially pushed back into the main part of my consciousness).

It has been a real journey to realise and come to terms with who I am, but I don't have a choice at this point.

Although my reasons for coming out are mostly for me (so people know something important about me), but I am also coming out publicly to reduce the shame and stigma associated with DID.

It has been a long journey, and I have longer to go still.

Conclusion

I leave you with this:

Be who you are and say what you think, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. — Dr Seuss

EDIT: There is a part 2 of this, which describes how DID impacts me at present.

— Elizabeth (Elizafox System)

— Elizabeth Ashford (Elizafox) Fedi (elsewhere): @Elizafox@social.treehouse.systems Tip jar: PayPal || CashApp || LiberaPay